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From: DMK666@DBX920.#FD.HES.DEU.EU
To  : HUMOR@EU


Bill Gates Goes to Heaven 

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. 
When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area. 

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were literally 
millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to do all day. 
Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers 
with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd. Booze and drugs were
being passed around. Fights were commonplace. Sanitation conditions were 
appalling. All in all, the scene looked like Woodstock gone metastatic. 

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the staffers 
approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens, face scarred 
with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned
on it in large yellow lettering. 

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the voice of 
any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your 
induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted
him. No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a guy from Philadelphia named 
Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of 17. Now give me your name, last 
name first, unless you were Chinese in which case it's first name first." 

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on his 
clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on here?" 
asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter? Where
are the Pearly Gates?" 

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then Gabriel 
looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of a large 
software company. Is that right?" 

"Yes." 

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business started,
it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter 
could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are over five 
billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and multiply,' 
he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten thousand 
people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do you think 
Peter can meet them all personally?" 

"I guess not." 

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is 
the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate 
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual 
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then 
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background 
like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment." 

"Job assignment?" 

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on your 
ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your 
weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the
bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this 
down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational orientator. 
His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted 
him. "No, he's not that Abraham." 



Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction center 
#23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait. 

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing infrastructure," 
explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. 
It takes us a week just to process new entries." 

"I had to wait three weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill angrily, and 
Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's best not to 
contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that Bosnia thing has 
you guys backed up." 

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to supervise
Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest computing 
facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multi-segment 
fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand
CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant. Fully distributed processing.
The works." 

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is 
really Heaven!" 

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. 
Would you like to go see the center now?" 

"You bet!" 

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data 
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than 
the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the miles
of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was dominated by 
the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly row-by-row, 
half a million .... 

.... Macintoshes .... 

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single byte of 
Microsoft code! 

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had 
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about 
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What
about Word???" 

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham. 

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively. 

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's 
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on
PCs running Windows, then .... 

                                .... GO TO HELL!"



Dieser Text wurdem aus dem Internet entliehen.

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