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R:981226/1548Z @:NL3RYS.OV.NLD.EU #:28352 [Rijssen] FBB7.00g $:28428_BEL160
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R:981220/1230Z @:AA1BBS.#14.WIEN.AT.EU #:46882 [Wien] FBB7.00g $:28428_BEL160
R:981217/2239Z @:LM6BOX.LM.BEL.EU #:9826 [Opoeteren] FBB7.00g $:28428_BEL160
R:981216/1358Z @:BEL160.AN.BEL.EU #:28428 [POEDERLEE] FBB7.00f $:28428_BEL160

From: BEL169@BEL160.AN.BEL.EU
To  : HUMOR@WW

These two guys meet after not having seen each other for
many many years.
First guy asks the second guy "how have things been going?"
The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy

"I...w..a..s..  a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r.. i..e..d.
The first guy says in amazement "Hey; you dont stutter any more."
The answer comes " y..e..s   I  w..e..n..t   t..o   a
d..o..c..t..o..r

a..n..d   h..e     t..o..l..d    m..e    t..h..a..t   i..f    I
s..p..e...a....k
s..l..o..w..l..y    I    w..i..l..l     n..o..t
s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about
the exstutterer saying he "was almost married."

"W..e..l..l    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I
w..e..r..e
s..i...t..t..i..n..g..    o..n    h..e..r     p..o...r..c..h
a..n..d
t..h..e     d..o..g     w..a..s    s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g
h..i..s
b..a..c..k    a..n..d    I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t
w..h..e..n    w..e    a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d     s..h..e
c..a..n
d..o    t..h..a..t    f..o..r     m..e   a..n..d    s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w
t..h..e     r..i..n..g     i..n    m..y     f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks
the first friend
" W..e..l..l    I     s..p..e..a..k    s..o     s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t     b..y     t..h..e   t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d
a..t    t..h..e     d..o..g.     h..e     w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g
h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s"


------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to
the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's
being born."
The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this.

"Why? Don't you know what color the child is going to be?"
"Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and
the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who
the
father is."

"Okay", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual."

The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head!
It seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted.
Was one of the actors Chinese?"
"Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

"Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to
be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"
"Yes, doctor he was."

"Wait, now the legs are out and they're very fair. Was one of the
actors Norwegian?"
"Yes, doctor he was."

So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the
backside. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying.

"Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I
expected it to bark!!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied,
"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of
vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He
proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he
found the following note on his door:

1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and Spook.

8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
was stoned off his ass.

10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for
the grub, yeah God."

14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with a
stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she
walked over and asked him when was the last time he had
had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey,
you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at
his watch. "It's only 2014 now."

(note:....think in military time....1956 is  7:56pm.....you get the picture)


______________________________________________________

BEL169@BEL160.AN.BEL.EU
Pobox 25
2340 Beerse
Belgium
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